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I DO, or do I?: The Best and Worst of “The Bride of…” Movies

Ladies in horror are rarely front-and center, but many have hubbies that fling them into their rightfully earned spotlight. Here are some of the best and worst brides in sci fi and horror, suitable for a date night or a self-care night come Valentine’s Day.

“I DO!”

The Bride of Chucky

This may be my nostalgia speaking, but horror movies produced in the 80’s in the same vein as Child’s Play have a charm to their production style that just can’t be beat. The puppetry? The color scheme? Literally iconic. Chucky’s bride, Tiffany, is definitely suffering from the creepiest case of paraphilia and falls for a child’s doll to the point of becoming one herself. The action scenes have poor blocking and the logic of this universe is questionable (what took the main characters so long to drop-kick the Chucky and Tiffany?), but it has heart and is a comedy of marriage and a parody of itself. I can say that, with total confidence, that giant breasts on an actual BABY doll is the most confusing and terrifying aspect of the whole film, otherwise it’s an oddly entertaining dark comedy that consistently serves out killer one-liners. “Fuck Martha Stewart!” had me in stitches.

“I DON’T!”

Brides of Dracula

There are many movies from the early 60’s that I would consider classics (ie Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!) but this is distinctly not one of them. The film looks like it was filmed on a potato from the nineties with the ingenuity of an angsty, cringy film major who only wears black turtlenecks and hates women for not immediately wanting to be with him. It’s less than mediocre in almost all aspects to the point of become almost comical, and thus good again. All the beautiful women in this film do a great job of holding a straight face while wearing vampire fangs that look like they were made out of play-doh. The pretty ladies are the best part of this film about a man who can’t seem to keep his interest in a woman for more than a year yet wonders why nobody wants him.